How to Not Die Alone: The surprising science that will help you find love by Logan Ury (Book summary). Part One
How to Not Die Alone: The surprising science that will help you find love by Logan Ury (Book summary). Part One
If you have always wanted to read a great book that breaks down the science of what make relationships work, but haven’t had the time to read an entire book? Then grab a seat.
Introduction
Ury starts the book with a very profound statement. ‘We’re not born knowing how to choose the right partner’, she wrote.
Which is what she set out to do with the book. The book shares her blue print of how to love effectively — what she calls “intentional love.”
As she wrote in the book, “Great relationships are built, not discovered.”
Great relationships are a combination of making all the right choices and doing all the right things when it should be done.
Section One: Getting ready
In this section which contains seven chapters, she talks about why dating has become harder now than it has ever being in human history.
She also talks about what she calls dating blindspots, things that are holding you back from having a great love relationship, without you even knowing it. And finally she delves into attachment styles and the role they play in adult relationships.
Chapter One
Why dating is harder now than ever before.
In this chapter, Ury gave several reasons why dating is harder now than it has ever being.
1. We shape our own identities.
A few factors such as religious beliefs, community and social class decided who your ancestors married.
Today we can create our own identities by choosing who to marry, and this ability to create our own identities have created a problem of not knowing what directions to take.
2. We have too many options.
According to Ury, dating started in the 1890s and online dating started in 1994, and since then things have really moved fast. We have too many options today that we don’t even know which to choose. What psychologists call the paradox of choice.
3. We yearn for certainty.
According to Ury, because we live in an era that provides information at our beck and call, we want to make sure we make lots of research inorder to maximize our options.
Which goes back to the last point of how too many choices have crippled our ability to make a choice and be happy with it.
4. Social media leads us to compare and despair.
Your ancestors didn’t know what the love lives of people in far away villages looked like. Today, you know what the love life of millions around the world look like because it’s all being displayed on social media.
As she wrote in the book, ‘social media makes it feel like we are the only ones that are facing problems in our relationship.’
5. We lack relationship role models.
As she stated clearly in the book, it’s more easier to believe something can be done when you see people around you doing it successfully.
With the divorce rates at an all time high, how do we have great marriages, when all we are exposed to is divorce and broken relationships.
6. There are far more ways to be in a relationship today.
Your ancestors didn’t know that it was possible to be having regular sex with someone without being in a relationship with them — what we call hooking up today.
Today we are free to be in a relationship however way we want it. And this freedom is starting to make us feel overwhelmed and confused as to what we really want.
7. We feel pressure to get this decision right.
Because of our exposure today, we feel like our entire life rests on getting it right when it comes to relationship.
Especially for women who due to biological reasons need to get it right, if they want to have children at a certain age.
Chapter two
The three dating tendencies
Ury believes we all have what she calls dating blindspots — patterns of behavior that hold us back from finding love, but which we can’t identify on our own.
She categorized this blindspots into what she calls the three dating tendencies. This chapter is just like an introduction to these dating tendencies as each of them are detailed in the chapters that follow.
1. The romanticizers: these group of people believe that love will happen when it is meant to happen.
2. The maximizers: these group of people want to explore all their options, and make sure the person they end up with is the best option for them.
3. The hesitaters: these group of people are never ready to settle down or date. They are buried in constant self improvement.
Each of these groups battle with various unrealistic expectations.
The romanticizers have unrealistic expectations of relationships.
The maximizers have unrealistic expectations of their partner.
And the hesitaters have unrealistic expectations of themselves.
Get the complete summary here: How to Not Die Alone By Logan Ury
Chapter three
Disney Lied to us
This chapter deals with how to overcome the romanticizer tendency.
As Ury wrote, ‘Romanticizers believe that love is something that happens to you, and that the reason they’re single is they just haven’t met the right person yet.’ They seem to believe in fairy tales.
And there are a few problems with fairy tales or having this romanticizer tendency.
1. The first problem this tendency creates is it affects the way they approach finding a partner.
She told the story of a woman who always dressed her best whenever she went on a flight because she believed she could meet her future husband on a plane.
And then while on the plane, she refuses to start up any conversation for fear of being seen as trying too hard.
This believe that love is something that happens to you, makes them passive when finding a partner.
2. This mindset influences whom they are willing to go out with.
People who believe in soul mates always have this vision of what their souls mate must look like.
Because of this, they filter out every potential partner without this exact same qualities. There is more to people than meets the eyes, so sometimes they miss out on great romantic partners.
As she further explained, romanticizers aren’t the only ones with this idea that love or marriage should be so interesting that it looks like a fairy tale.
The reason for this is because throughout a larger part of our history, people didn’t marry for love. People married strictly for economic purposes.
Back then, love was something people did in secret by having affairs. So it came with passion and intense emotions. It wasn’t until around 1750 that the idea of marrying for love began to be normalized.
And this was ushered in by what is known as the age of romanticism. This was an ideological movement that began in
Europe. And even today our ideas about love is rooted in romanticism.
For example, romanticism believes that love happens naturally. It believes that people who are truly in love never fall out of love.
It believes that once we meet our soul mate, it will be the end of our sadness. And lots more.
How to fight back against the ideals of romanticism
1. Stop believing that the perfect person for you is out there waiting to sweep you off your feet.
Cultivate a work-it-out mindset. This means you should give people a chance, and try to put in the work to make your relationships work.
Stop all that ‘ if it was meant to be, it will be nonsense.’
2. Stop believing in the happily-ever-after myth. Love is work, and couples fight sometimes.
As Ury stated clearly in the book, ‘No relationship is easy all the time. Even the healthiest, most rewarding marriages require effort.’
3. Stop believing in what Ury calls Rom — Coms meet — cute.
This is the idea that you must meet the love of your life in a unique way. The way it happens in movies.
Love can happen anywhere and anytime, be open to it. Stop waiting to fall in love in story-worthy way.
4. Learn to ignore social media.
Love isn’t all exotic vacations, giving of gifts and having explosive sex, the way it’s portrayed on social media.
As she stated in the book, ‘Relationships go through periods of highs and lows…and love is so much more than a filtered photo captured at sunset.’
Chapter four
Don’t let perfect be the enemy of great
This chapter focuses on how to overcome the Maximizer Tendency.
According to Ury, Maximizers obsess over making the best possible
decision.
They feel compelled to explore every possible option before they feel like they can make a choice. And then there is another type of perfectionists that Ury calls Satisficers.
‘These are people who unlike maximizers have standards, but they aren’t overly concerned that there might be something better out there….’
…They know their criteria, and they hunt until they find the “good enough” option.
It’s not that they settle; they’re simply fine making a decision once they’ve gathered some evidence and identified a satisfactory option.’
Maximizers believe that in relationships, if they can date a good number of people they would eventually find the perfect one for themselves.
But the problem is they never do because there’s an endless number of people to date.
One of the explanations that Ury gave for why maximizers are the way they are is that they might be battling with what she calls FOMTWD. (The fear of making the wrong decision).
Remember we said earlier that your ancestors didn’t have the option of having too many people to choose from.
So when they made a choice like marrying the guy next door they didn’t have to stay awake at night worrying if they could have chosen better.
But today our options seems endless and because of this, many are crippled by analysis paralysis.
The problem with maximizing
One of the downsides is that even if you eventually make a choice and the choice you made seem to be the best among the best, you still might not be happy with your choice.
That mindset that there’s always someone better out there would ruin your chances of happiness.
The wisdom of Satisficing
Unlike maximizers, Satisficers make use of a powerful tool which is the brain to be happy with any choice they make.
Whenever we commit to something, overtime our brain works towards making us feel like we made the best choice.
This is called Rationalization — our ability to convince ourselves we did the right thing.
As she noted, it’s not that satisficers don’t have very high standards. The
difference is, once they find something that meets their standards, they are happy with it.’
Unlike Maximizers who want to turn over every stone before they make a decision. So it’s not as if satisficers settle for less than the want and maximizers don’t, no.
Satisficers use rationalization to stay contented. Be a satisficer.
The Secretary Problem
According to Ury if you’re a maximizer, you can learn to date like a satisficer by using this riddle called the Secretary Problem.
Imagine if you’re to hire a secretary, and there are 100 persons for you to interview. But there’s a catch. Any person you interview and don’t pick the first time is gone.
This means you don’t have the luxury of interviewing all 100 candidate before making a choice. So how do you pick the best candidate?
There’s a mathematical way to solve this problem. And that is, interview 37 persons out of the 100 candidates, then pause.
Reflect on who was the best candidate out of the 37 persons, and then the next person you interview who you think is better than that person is who you should hire.
You don’t necessarily need to interview all 100. Use that one person out of the 37 percent as a benchmark.
So how do you apply this to your dating life? Here’s how.
Let’s say you’re a young man who intend to get married someday, and assuming you begin to date at age 18.
And your search for a partner is likely to run from ages eighteen to forty, the 37% of that is age 26.
This means by the time you’re 26, you should look back at all the girls you have dated and liked.
Pick the one girl you think was better than all of them and use her as a benchmark.
Whenever you meet any other girl that you think is better than that girl, marry the person.
The Secretary Problem is a brilliant idea and if used well would save you lots of regrets as a Maximizer.
Chapter five
Don’t wait, Date
This chapter is focused on how to overcome the Hesitater tendency.
Everybody constantly wants to improve themselves in one area or the other.
But for Hesitaters, they allow this proclivity for constant improvement to become an impediment for making any choice when it gets to their romantic relationships.
Hesitaters are the ones who always use the quest for becoming better as an excuse for not committing.
It’s not that there is anything wrong with wanting to become better, but as Ury noted, ‘When you wait to date, you’re missing out on more than you think.’
Economists often refer to this as the opportunity cost of decisions — the price you pay when you choose one option over another.
For example, if you decide to focus on getting a new car before you begin to date. Your opportunity cost is the number of potential partners that you miss out on during that time period.
According to Ury being a Hesitater comes with so many drawbacks.
1. You miss out on the opportunity to learn.
If you’re not going on dates, how do you get closer to knowing the kind of person you want to be with long term?
How do you choose your 37 percent benchmark? Remember the Secretary problem from the last chapter?
2. Getting in your dating reps.
As Ury wrote, ‘A “rep” is a single movement of an exercise.’
At the gym, you get stronger by doing multiple reps of a particular exercise. In dating, you get stronger by going on more dates…’
When you go on more dates, you hone your story telling and listening skills.
Ury gave several ways through which you can overcome your hesitation and start dating.
1. Make a deadline.
According to Ury, ‘Deadlines are one of the most efficient ways to motivate someone to take action….and short deadlines work especially well.’
Ury believes three weeks is a good enough time frame as it gives you the time for all the neccesary preparation.
2. Prep.
Ury says, ‘Once you’ve set the deadline, start doing the pre-dating work. Download the dating apps.’
I would also add that you should send that dm today. Make that call, send that text. Get a good outfit for dates. That’s how you prepare to date.
3. Tell others.
Science has shown that we are often more committed to carrying out an action, when we have told others about it.
Ury advises that, ‘tell two to three of your closest friends or family members that you’re going to start dating…
…You’ll feel more motivated to act once you’ve made this public pronouncement because now your reputation is on the line.’
4. Commit to your new identity.
Remember we said earlier from a previous chapter that mindset plays a huge role in how events turn out in our lives?
Begin to see yourself as someone who’s qualified to date. Speak positively to yourself. Ury even encourages you to look in the mirror everyday, smile and call yourself a dater.
5. Start small.
You don’t need to go on several dates a week for a start. Start with one biweekly or weekly and improve from there.
6. Be compassionate with yourself.
Breaking a habit isn’t something that’s easy so don’t beat yourself too hard. Just make sure you’re making some progress.
And then finally, stop talking to your ex or exes.
Experts say that talking to an ex when you haven’t really gotten over them worsens your psychological health.
As Ury noted, ‘Keeping your ex around as a potential love interest
turns your breakup into a changeable decision.
Stop talking to your ex. In fact stop having sex with your ex. Sex always makes it difficult to let go.
Chapter six
Learn your attachment style
This chapter explores how to Manage Your Attachment Style.
The first person who came up with the idea of attachment in the field of psychology was John Bowlby.
Later this idea was improved upon by the psychologist Mary Ainsworth through her now famous experiment called the strange situation.
Here’s how the experiment went.
First, a mother and a baby enters a room filled with lots of toys. So the baby begins to play with the toys because why not?
The mother is there, she serves as what Mary calls a secure base, someone to call upon when problem arises.
Then they moved to the interesting part of the experiment. The mother is asked to leave the room and the reaction of each child is monitored.
When the mother leaves, several of the children reacted in various ways. Some of the children showed signs of distress as soon as their mother left.
When she returned, these babies would be temporarily soothed and stop crying but then angrily push the mother away and begin crying again. Ainsworth called these babies “anxiously attached.”
Then they were other children who cried when their mother left but stopped as soon as she returned.
They quickly resumed playing. These were the “securely attached” babies.
The third group of babies did not respond to their mother leaving the room; nor did they even acknowledge her when she came back.
They pretended they weren’t bothered by the situation, even though they were. These were called the “avoidantly attached” babies.
Years later, experts would say that these various response to the absence of a secure base has great consequences for adult relationships.
For example, people who are anxiously attached are the ones who can send a dozen texts within an hour when their partner doesn’t return a text or call a gazillion times within the same period.
According to Ury, those who possess this anxious-attachment style often act out in order to get their partner’s attention.
While the avoidantly attached on the other hand are the ones who are afraid of committing.
They always find a way to pull away when the relationship begins to get serious.
They deceive themselves by looking for excuses such as their partners flaws to justify this behavior.
And then the securely attached are the ones who are trust worthy in a relationship. They avoid unnecessary drama.
They know how to communicate their needs to their partners without quarrelling.
They don’t gaslight, they are consistent. This is the best attachment style to have. At this point, I have good news and bad news, but first the good news.
It is said that 50 percent of the population is made up of people who are securely attached.
And the the remaining 50 percent is divided between the avoidantly attached and the anxiously attached.
Here’s the bad news. At any given time, the number of securely attached people in the dating pool is very little.
The reason is because these people know how to make relationships work so they get picked out quickly.
So most times the majority of people in the dating pool are the anxiously and avoidantly attached.
They date each other and keep bringing out the worse parts of themselves. That’s why it’s said that at any given time the dating pool is always a mess.
So before you walk out of your current relationship, make sure things are really not working out between you both.
If not, the next person waiting for you in the dating pool might be worse.
Ury advises that Inasmuch as it’s hard, try your best to look for a secure partner if you know you’re are anxiously or avoidantly attached.
One thing Ury also mentioned in the book is that people can change their attachment style but it takes some time.
One way to do this is to become very self aware and learn how to self regulate.
Chapter seven
Look for a partner not a prom date.
This chapter discusses how to focus on what matters in a long term partner.
According to Ury, one of the mistakes many people make when looking for a long term partner is that they focus on superficial qualities.
And this happens because of a bias we have as humans. Psychologists call it the present bias.
This bias makes us to place a huge value on the present and discount the future. As Ury noted, most people don’t date for long term viability.
For example, if I ask you what you want in a potential partner you would be quick to mention money, good looks, shares the same hobbies and a personality similar to yours.
You wouldn’t mention things like loyalty or kindness, and the reason is because of another bias called the focusing illusion.
The focusing illusion makes us to overestimate the importance of certain factors when anticipating outcomes.
For example, because money is very important in relationships, you might think that once a partner has money, that’s all that matters for a relationship to work.
This is especially true for women. There are several videos online of ladies who say they would rather stay with a rich abusive man than an average man who treats them well.
What these ladies forget is that people get adapted to things overtime and after a certain amount, money actually doesn’t add to a person’s happiness.
It’s the same with good looks too. Overtime you would get used to the beauty of your spouse.
As the saying goes, for every attractive person you see, there’s someone who’s already tired of having sex with them.
According to Ury, there are some qualities that matters more than we think.
1. Emotional stability and kindness.
Instead of always optimizing for the present, learn to optimize for the future. One way you can do that is by looking for a partner who is emotionally stable and kind.
According to Ury, ‘emotional stability is being able to self regulate and not give in to anger or impulsivity.’
2. Loyalty.
Look for a partner who would have your back anytime any day. Relationships isn’t all about great sex. Life can come at you very hard and fast.
When the chips are down, will your partner still be loyal to you the way they were when everything was good?
As she said in the book, look for a partner who would hold your purse in a cancer clinic. Cancer clinic here is a metaphor for when things go bad for you.
3. A growth mindset.
The psychologist Carol Dweck popularized the idea of the growth and fixed mindset.
Someone with a growth mindset believes that people can improve through self development. While someone with a fixed mindset believes the opposite.
As Ury wrote in the book, ‘You want to align yourself with someone who has a growth mindset because when problems arise…you’ll want a partner who will rise to the occasion, not throw up their hands in defeat.”
4. Personality that brings out the best in you.
What are you like when you’re with your partner?
As Ury made clear ‘You must understand what qualities your partner
bring out in you, because this is who you’ll be whenever you’re with them.’
5. Skills to fight well.
Disagreements would often come up in your relationship.
Make sure you’re with someone with whom every disagreement doesn’t escalate into a full blown argument.
6. The ability to make hard decisions.
Life isn’t a bed of roses. At some point you will be faced with some important life decisions.
Make sure you’re with someone with whom you can make big decisions. Someone who you can trust their judgement and navigate life with.
As Ury advised, the best way to figure this out is to actually make hard decisions together.
If you will like to grab the complete summary, you can get it here: How to Not Die Alone By Logan Ury